Stress, perfectionism and cutting ourselves some slack

This one is inspired by a lady I’ve gotten to know over the last 10 years, and most of that in the last year or 2. Now, Lisa is no stranger to time off the gym. She had a major surgery not long ago and had to take a good chunk of time off before taking her time coming back slowly. But more recently, Lisa lost her father after spending an enormous amount of her time and energy caring for him in his final weeks. She posed the question “How do you quell perfectionism in times of high stress?” Okay, so that wasn’t the direct quote but I am pretty sure that’s what she meant.

“Perfectionism, in psychology, is a personality trait characterized by a person's striving for flawlessness and setting excessively high performance standards, accompanied by overly critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others' evaluations. It is best conceptualized as a multidimensional characteristic, as psychologists agree that there are many positive and negative aspects.” en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Perfectionism_(psychology)

Perfectionism can be the thing that makes us do stuff really well. In lifting, it can be the driving force that helps us be a stickler about form or always following a program exactly as the coach writes it. This isn’t always a bad thing and I often try and have folks identify how striving for perfectionism can work in our favour. The drive for perfectionism though, can have deleterious effects when it causes us grief and heightened stress, because perfection is ultimately not achievable.

Quite awhile back I wrote about stress and how insidious it is and how our bodies cannot distinguish between physical and psychological stress. It was more of a personal reflection on how stress in my life just slowly kept piling on until it essentially crushed me. The point of this, though, is to acknowledge that stress is stress. Psychological stress, like caring for an ailing parent, is just as tough on our bodies as physical stress. Actually, maybe even more so given psychological stress tends to hold on longer. While that heavy equipped deadlift session ends, that ailing parent doesn’t just magically get better after a few hours. Yet, we think that somehow, in the midst of chaos and stress, we should just be able to keep going with our bad selves. Worse, when we struggle with perfectionism, because striving for perfectionism causes increased psychological stress.

How can we manage stress? 1) Be honest with yourself about what is causing all the stress in your life. If some of it can be changed, then change it. I know that’s not always possible, but it’s worth looking at. Often, just naming it can help as well. 2) Voice it. Tell others. Talk about it. Find a confidante or, if necessary, a professional (a certified one please... another rant on that another day). 3) Meditate. You don’t have to become the next Buddha but just take 5 min a day, open YouTube and search for a guided meditation. Some will suck, some will be awesome. Headspace is another good app, as is Stop, Breathe, & Think. 4) Modify your activity. Now, most websites are just going to suggest that you exercise, but knowing that my friend Lisa is a powerlifter, I am going to phrase this as modify your exercise. That means, if you aren’t doing any, start doing something active. It also means, if you are training at a fairly high intensity (#stinnsystem4life... anyone??) you should probably back off a bit. 5) Find something you enjoy doing and schedule it into your current availability. This should not cause increased stress trying to find time and if it does, then skip it... there’s a reason it’s last.

How do we merge this with perfectionist tendencies? 1) Be realistic and honest with yourself. Does this task require “perfection”? What will happen if it’s not perfect? Will you really shrivel up and get super weak if you modify your program and take 1 extra day off per week for a little while? 2) Challenge the thoughts that drive your perfection. This is some basic Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) thought challenging stuff here. Are you really lazy if you don’t complete every set at exactly a 9.5 RPE? What would actually happen if you didn’t get 100% on that exam? 3) Decide what matters most. Decide on the tasks that accomplish this. Do them, even when the anxiety tells you otherwise. What this means is that if you don’t want to challenge your perfectionist thoughts, you won’t face the anxiety that comes when you do challenge them and you will “cave”. It is hard work and you need to have a reason for doing it. If being healthy and reducing the impact of stress and perfection in your life is a priority, then decide what tasks will make this happen. Things like, taking an extra day off the gym each week, reducing my working set weights by 10%, allowing myself to only reread a report once before signing it, etc. Then do it!! This is the hard part. This is where the thoughts creep in and the doable becomes difficult. Do it anyway and remember why you are doing it. 4) Take a look at this awesome resource https://www.anxietybc.com/sites/default/files/Perfectionism.pdf

You’ll more than likely notice that the tips and strategies are specific, but when writing it’s difficult to completely separate these things. Ask any perfectionist what drives their perfection and it’s typically maladaptive, unhelpful thoughts and anxiety. Those things are stressful. Stress tells us something needs to change – that’s why we have it. Face to face with a lion, stress tells you to change this situation. Face to face with a major project due tomorrow and you’ve barely started, stress tells you to change this situation. It comes down to our ability to listen to stress, determine if what it is telling us is valid (I’m caring for my ailing parent and there’s so much to think about vs. this project must be perfect or else unidentifiable bad things will happen vs. if I can’t squat “perfectly” – whatever model I deem as perfect – then there’s no sense in doing any squats at all) and then decide on a course of action for change. Challenge yourself if you are saying “What if I make a bad change? What if my change isn’t perfect?” Is the change you are considering permanent or can you just change your change? And once again, just do it...

For now, I’m off to meditate