Happiness as a verb

When most people talk about happiness, they talk about it as a state of being. Being happy is a thing to be. It's "something"... in a basic sense it's happiness as a noun.

People have all sorts of "wisdom" about how to become happy. Here's a few ideas below that I found with a quick search.

See what I mean... so tell me, HOW do you DO these things? What's the real action in doing this? Do you just have to think it? So is happiness just thinking magic happy thoughts?

Once upon a time I was this woman, with 2 great kids, a career that was moving forward doing pieces of what I love, participating in a sport I love in the gym that is the epitome of excellent, having just moved back to the city where my family is. I remember being so sad and being in bed thinking "when do I get to be happy? I do all this good work in the world and I'm kind and decent mom... why don't I get to be happy?" AND THEN SLOWLY IT DAWNED ON ME... When am I NOT happy? Well, I'm happy with my kids (I mean, they're kids, it's not all fairy tales and rainbows, but I was generally happy with them). I'm happy at my job (I make decent money and get to work with abused kids, which is my passion). I'm happy in the gym (it's hard work, but I love it). I'm glad I moved back to this city (although sad about it for other reasons). I guess I WAS happy... I mean, sure, there were times when I didn't experience happy, but overall, it was true - I was happy :)

THIS ^^^^ DO MORE OF WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY!! If you are not happy, find things that make you happy and do them more often. Happiness is not a magical state of being that just descends upon you one day... happiness is a VERB.. it's a WAY OF BEING... it's action! So, if you just read a bunch of happiness quotes that are abstract and you don't really know how to make it happen, don't worry. Just identify one thing you can do that makes you happy... do that as many times a week as you can. Then find more things that make you happy and start doing those. If you don't know what makes you happy, start your journey to find out. Now, go into the world and DO HAPPY!!

Comparison doesn't have to be the thief of joy

I said this recently and I'll keep saying it.

We've all heard it... this is a fairly famous quote. But, what if instead of thinking of comparison as the thief of joy, and hence, trying to stop comparison, we just changed our thinking.

"Social comparison theory states that in the absence of objective measures for self-evaluation, we compare ourselves to others to find out how we're doing. Going back to our example above, the measure for how good your concerto is depends on comparison to other concertos. Does it hold up to Mozart's concertos? Is it better than most other modern concertos? There are essentially two types of comparisons that people make: upward comparisons, or comparing ourselves to others who are better than we are, and downward comparisons, or comparing ourselves to those who are not as proficient as we are at a given task." http://study.com/academy/lesson/self-comparison-theory-upward-vs-downward-social-comparison.html

What if I told you that you could use comparison to feel better about your situation? Well, that's exactly what social comparison theory says. We could make upward comparisons and say "I suck" compared to that person. We could make downward comparisons and say "that person sucks", but what if we spun it to be positive? What if, instead of "I suck" you said "I'm not as good at X as that person, but look where I could strive to be!" AHHH!!! And, what if, instead of "that person sucks" you said "Wow, I should be thankful for what I have (skills, talents, possessions, job, etc)" Again, AHHH!! In both situations we aren't allowing social comparison theory to place negative value on our comparisons... we are noticing them and using them, either to strive for better OR to be grateful.

I don't look at the beautiful Marte Elverum (above) and say "wow, I suck, I'll never be that strong, that outgoing, that pretty"... I look at her and say "wow! I can get stronger... look what a beautiful woman can do... maybe I can be better too". Conversely, I don't look down on other lifters who aren't as strong as me and say "oh, I'm so good compared to you", I am grateful for all the hours I spent in the gym and all the coaching I've received and the nutrition help I get. At the end of the day, don't allow comparison to be the thief of joy! Use it to drive you to happiness, gratitude and the knowledge you can achieve more than you probably believed.

Strong never should've been the new skinny

This stuff has been written about a few times by a few people. But, again, I am way behind the 8 ball with this whole blogging thing, so just bare with me while I catch up to everyone else ;)

I HATE THIS!! I understand when women use this phrase as some kind of empowerment message. We want to be strong and healthy. Sure! But, this message is not that if you really look at it. This message is the message that if you're "skinny" you are flawed. Look, all I had to do was search "skinny" on Google Images and look what I found very quickly.

FAIL? Really? She fails at something because she has this gap in her legs (yes, I know it's a thigh gap, which vacillates between being coveted and hated). Give me a break that this somehow means she should have a big circle on her with the word FAIL there. Ya right... because today the person that made this decided that by his/her beauty standards this wasn't desireable. What a load of crap!

What if we decided that no one FAILED because of a body shape or structure? Strong isn't the new skinny... this is just one more way that we have given society the right to tell us how we are supposed to look. Now, by today's standards I'm supposed to look "strong" (how does strong look anyway?) and not skinny. Except sometimes I'm supposed to look skinny. And now the big ass is considered "in" but what about all those women that tried for so many years to have a small ass... and what about those women that don't naturally have a round ass. Believe it or not, we aren't all "failures" because of this. Guess what guys... I SQUAT and I DEADLIFT, and I don't have a big ol' round booty that you can rest a coffee cup on...

Which of these women looks "strong"? Do they all look "strong"? How about WE STOP PRESSURING WOMEN TO MEET SOME B.S. STANDARD OF BEAUTY! And how about the women that meet certain cultural standards stop ragging on women that don't? If I see one more comment or meme that indicates in some way that "real women look like..." or "real men prefer...." I might actually scream!! Guess what women? We do it to ourselves... we are the ones that are perpetuating these standards. I'm not saying don't try and meet cultural standards of beauty IF YOU WANT, but stop ragging on women that don't for whatever reason. I wear make up, I get my hair coloured, I am relatively fit and care how I look as far as social standards go... but what I won't do for one more second is suggest to any person that because she or he doesn't meet the flavour of the week, s/he has failed or is somehow less.

The ultimate choice

Today I saw someone pose the question "what have you done to make a difference in your life?" (or something to that effect). Many people are talking about making a choice to exercise, making a choice to eat differently, some get a little more insightful and say they decided to love themselves, accept themselves, etc. All good answers, but this is my blog, so this is about my answer :)

Without going into detail about some of my struggles and the challenges I faced in my life, I will say, by the time I was 22 I was escaping one marriage, with a 1 year old, in the middle of my graduate degree, overweight and overwhelmed. In the next couple years I would start to change my mindset on a few things. For now, I'm going to connect it to my weight and then I'll expand. I'd been overweight my whole life. By the time I was in my early 20s I had reserved myself to just being this way. It was not my choice. It was just who I was. I was never going to be different. And then I got connected with a weight loss program that taught me it was my choice... and I started to find success. While I am not connected to this program any more, the things I gained during the years I was involved was invaluable as it was a catalyst in my life.

What did this teach me? It taught me that while there are going to be times in our lives when we will truly be a victim (for example, my marriage), ultimately I can make a choice to remain a victim or I can make a choice to stop accepting my lot in life and do something different. I use the statement often that I stopped letting the universe act on me and I started acting on the universe. I stopped simply accepting that I was always going to be overweight, abused, or whatever it might be. I started looking at what I could do to make things different. I might not always be able to stop the legitimate victimization that happens, but I can stop allowing perpetrators to control me. Despite facing some struggles during my divorce, I did NOT stop fighting for the things that really mattered, because I learned I could ACT ON this and not just accept it. Despite facing some struggles getting through graduate school, I did NOT stop working towards my degree and in the end, I got it because I focused on doing what I could do every day to get it done. Things suck sometimes... that's the way it is, but when you stop rolling over and letting yourself get stepped on, you can take the kicks, get back up and start acting on the universe. What do you have to lose? Nothing is going to change unless you decide to change it.

It's my blog, and I'll whine if I want to...

It's not so much a whine as it is a vent or expression of frustration. WOMEN!! Every single one of you (so, like the 3 of you reading this, who aren't the issue anyway haha!) needs to step back and take a look at the times in our lives we have hurt other women. I can see the times I have done it and I have owned it and done my best to not go back to those behaviours. We live in a society where it's not only okay, but acceptable and sometimes encouraged to be cutthroat and vicious to other women.

I want you all to think about why this is okay? Why is it okay to say rude things and criticize another woman's body? Why do people laugh when we make fun of another woman's clothing? Since when is it absolutely acceptable and even sometimes coveted to be the "other woman"? We live in a world where we are raised to think we need to FIGHT and SCRAP to "win" - men, status, beauty... Maybe, if I roll my eyes and talk about what a "bleep bleep bleep" that girl is, my boyfriend won't like her and he'll view me as better. Maybe if I comment on how trashy she looks, people will notice how much higher status I am socially that I don't dress like that. If I hit on him and he comes home with me, he wants me more than his wife/girlfriend and then I "win". STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!

One of the reasons I love powerlifting so much is that I see less of this. I used to be involved in other sport, where this was rampant. I can still look back and remember some of the terrible things my friends and I said and it makes me sad that I resorted to the same crap. Now, I admit, powerlifting isn't free of this... I still see it and I hear it and it emerges, but it has always shocked and impressed me that there is so much less of it than in other places. I'm not saying you need to like everyone. I'm the first person to tell you I'm not going to like everyone and everyone isn't going to like me... but, what we should do, is respect each other. What you're wearing doesn't impact me... wear it! What you do for exercise doesn't impact me... do it! What plastic surgery you want to have done doesn't impact me... pay for it! And I don't win anything in life because I hit on your husband/boyfriend... if he goes home with me, I probably shouldn't want him anyway, because clearly neither of us is respectful.

Wouldn't it be nice if we remembered the reasons we fought for each other, not against each other? I see the next meme all over the place and I really love it... my powerlifting friends share it all the time (of course). I'd like to see it happen... I'd like my daughters to grow up in a world where THIS is the case...

Mirror, mirror, what do you see?

This post comes with a big disclaimer: This blog is not meant to be a substitute for direct therapeutic intervention. It is meant for educational and entertainment purposes only. It is primarily my thoughts and opinions and should not be used in place of individual or group therapy services. If you believe you may have a serious condition that requires intervention, please contact your doctor or local Mental Health services.

When you look in the mirror, what do you see? This post is one that I have resisted writing, in part, because I find the topic a bit overdone, but also because it's a highly personal topic for me. A wonderful woman, April, who has become someone I consider a dear friend, asked me to write about it, and I can't say no to her ;) How is my take on this going to be different? Well, I'm not going to tell you simply that you should go lift weights and transform instantly into a powerful, strong, self assured woman! That's what most people do, right? I've read all those blogs... and those, combined with my lifting and my education have not been successful for my magical transformation and surge of all good feelings of self worth.

Most of us are going to struggle with this from time to time. We can call it self worth, self confidence, body image... it all comes down to the same thing. At the end of the day, it's about how we view ourselves and in turn, how we speak to ourselves about that. We've all heard the term "fake it till you make it" and it's actually true! If you tell yourself over and over that you are strong and beautiful, your brain will start to believe it... but, if you tell yourself over and over that you are fat, ugly and unworthy, well, your brain will believe that too. We live in a society where most of us can never live up to the images we are bombarded with. This used to be a "female problem" but more and more it is becoming non-specific... guys have these ridiculous standards now too. I'm not going to tell you to "get over it". One more post like that and I think I might scream. What about those of us that don't just "get over it"? Now, one more time I get to feel like I don't live up... not only do I not live up to the physical standards of society, but now I get to feel bad that I feel bad that I don't!! I'm going to ask a few questions that I hope you will think about though... 1. What do you think might happen if you stopped criticizing yourself all the time? 2. What is the worst or most threatening part of liking yourself where you are at? 3. How do you think your life would change if you liked your body? 4. What needs to happen for you to decide that you want to like your body? 5. How will you know it's time to change the way you see yourself and the way you talk to yourself? There's more I could write, but I think these get the point across. That's how this blog is different... I'm not going to tell you that you SHOULD like your body... who am I to tell you what to think, do, like or act? Heck, I'm sure as heck not going to climb up on my soapbox and shout from the rooftops how you should all love yourselves when I wake up many mornings and pick myself apart and do all the things I wish we didn't do to ourselves.

As I said above, this isn't therapy... but, if you think you might like to start making some changes in how you talk to yourself, how you view your body and challenge the negative self image, here's some ideas. I'm giving you slightly non-conventional ones here, but basic CBT thought replacing works too, but lots of people know that already... 1. No full length mirror month - this can help for body image stuff, but if you are picking apart your face and hair too, it won't work the same. I know this works, because when I broke my full length mirror, I found after a month or 2, I had stopped obsessing over my cellulite... I stopped using the dry brush, pin pricky thing, creams and I stopped crying most days and telling myself how hideous I was. Out of sight, out of mind. 2. Sticky note positive affirmations - this is stolen from a million other people but mostly from a therapist I worked with (I was the client) and she had me buy bright neon sticky notes and write positive self statements on them and stick them all over my house. Here's the kicker - phrased positively and present tense. Write "I am fit and healthy" not "I will be fit and healthy"... fake it till you make it, right? 3. Trace your body - this one can be powerful and can invoke a lot of feelings. The task goes - you take a long sheet of paper (big enough you can have someone trace you) and you draw what you THINK your body is... then you lay down and someone traces what you really are. I like to up the ante on this one by having the person write all those negative phrases, words and thoughts down on this paper... every nasty thing someone said to you or you said to yourself... the thoughts that haunt you and make you feel terrible... sit with that paper... see it and really feel the way those words hurt and sting... now, when you are ready, shred it or burn it... and with that tearing or burning, I want you to speak out loud all the things you are giving up with that - give those thoughts and the hurt, sad feelings to the Universe.

Be well in the world... and please, if you need more support, find someone locally you can speak with. Sometimes these struggles are a symptom of a more serious condition and you deserve to seek support for that. Don't be afraid... things can be better.

Change is a choice

I debated calling this "it's all a choice" but I feared people would misinterpret that as meaning I think people "choose" to be victimized, taken advantage of it, etc. And really, it is centered on change, although can apply to many things. So what do I mean change is a choice? Of course, change is a choice! The problem with most people is that they unknowingly stick themselves in the role of victims. Change is hard.. it's uncomfortable and it's unsettling.. How many people have you personally heard say things like "I meant to but..." or "I was going to but..."? I'm going to relate this to eating and training for a bit to make it more tangible. Woman A wants to lose 20lbs. She gets on board with a solid eating and training plan. She gets her macros and knows where to start. Let's say she's been seriously undereating for a long time and needs to build back up a bit so she has somewhere to cut from. Eating 200g of carbs a day scares her - she fears she's going to put on a bunch of weight and she doesn't trust that this will work. What she's been doing isn't working either, though, so she knows in her head she needs this change and she needs to try something different. She has 2 choices - eat the macros, eat the carbs, regardless of the thoughts and fear that circle her brain every night... or don't. I hear so many people say "help me... every night I get to 125g of carbs and I'm so afraid to eat more that I don't... what can I do?" YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENT CHOICE!! There's no magic to this. Every one of us has to face the anxiety of change. There's no way around it. Anxiety is the most self-reinforcing condition there is - every time you avoid something that causes anxiety your brain says "oh, that feels good, let's do more of that avoiding thing". Every time Woman A avoids eating more carbs and her anxiety retreats her brains says "see how good it feels to avoid that?" So, how do you get this anxiety to go away without avoiding the thing that invokes it? You withstand it... Woman A eats the extra carbs. Maybe she can't commit to eating 200g on day 1, but she can withstand the anxiety that emerges when she eats 145g on day 1 and she can do that days 1-3. Then she can withstand the anxiety that comes when she eats 165g a day and she does that for a few more days... and so on. This is what I mean when I say it's a choice. IT'S A CHOICE TO WITHSTAND THE ANXIETY THAT ACCOMPANIES CHANGE! There are lots of things you can do to help yourself cope with the anxiety - the one I highlighted was using an exposure ladder (small increments towards the ultimate goal), to make the anxiety "smaller" and able to tolerate better. Google any kind of mindfulness activities and find what you like. You can teach yourself to positively self talk. When I have anxiety over something I am working on I will tell myself "hey anxiety brain, I see you there. I know this is uncomfortable, but you're not going to kill me, so you're no big deal". Sounds corny, but try it perhaps... warning, these strategies are things you need to keep trying because it won't work flawlessly from the starting horn. It takes time and mastery. At the end of the day, we all have a choice in our actions. Is what you are doing consistent with the person you are choosing to be? If not, then pick one thing you can do today to get yourself on the road to that person. No matter how uncomfortable it makes you, no matter how much your brain tries to trick you... change is hard, withstanding the anxiety and distress is hard... it's also a choice.